Same Words, Different Language
Cultural backgrounds, gender, relationships, and general upbringing will influence each person’s style of speech. Two people can use very similar words while communicating completely different ideas. Our speaking style may shift at various points, depending on the person we talk to.
Different speaking styles inspired me to create a simplified representation of how I envision discourse when two people use language in various ways. I admit this representation is an exceedingly narrow point of view, and acknowledge that people are much more complex than my rendering suggests. I intended to be contemplative while having a bit of fun.
One style—I’ll call relational—is naturally collaborative, characterized by forming connections, exhibiting empathy, and strengthening relationships. The other style—functional—is action- and goal-oriented, more individually focused, and often absent of feelings. These two styles may occasionally overlap individually, as we all fall within some spectrum of preferences. As if word choice wasn’t enough of a challenge to interpret, experts believe that our non-verbal expressions and gestures make up more than 70% of what we communicate—that’s a lot of room for error. Failing to understand others’ styles can lead to conflict.
You shouldn’t be feeling your feelings, so let’s fix them!
Occasionally, when I voice a stressful situation on a typical day, my husband may begin rattling off advice on how to solve this challenge. The problem is that I often seek assurance that my feelings are warranted. However, when he responded with solutions on how to get rid of my feelings, I became irritated.
If I had less emotional intelligence, I might interpret his response as insensitive to my feelings, as if to say, “You shouldn’t be feeling your feelings, so let’s fix them!” In this frame of reference, when he tells me how to work through a challenge, I might interpret that
he thinks I played a role in my problem,
he thinks my feelings are irrelevant and I need to get over it, or
he doesn’t think I’m smart enough to solve it alone.
Luckily, I understand he’s using a functional approach to demonstrate concern by offering action-oriented suggestions to help. What a guy!
We’ve learned that clarifying our intentions upfront and always seeking a place of understanding allows us to navigate our differing communication styles more effectively and lovingly. This journey has shown us that it’s possible to bridge the communication gap and strengthen relationships with dedication and understanding.
The Takeaway
Listen to your spouse when describing an issue—really listen to their tone, body language, everything—before responding. When they say, “I don’t care what we have for dinner,” they could mean, “I have some preferences, but I am open to suggestions.” Alternatively, they could be hesitant to share because they are concerned about money, perception, or another problem they face during the day. It can go both ways. The idea is to take time to try to understand the other person.